A few weeks ago, I received a message from a married man I hadn’t heard from in years. He contacted me under the guise to discuss a mutual family friend but quickly steered the conversation to me as he had heard about my recent change in marital status. It didn’t take long for me to catch onto his true intentions. With each attempt to keep me engaged in the conversation, I could sense his hungry, sex-starved male energy increasing. If you are a single woman, you’ll probably know what comes next. Yes. He inevitably suggested that he drop over to my place soon to “catch up.”
Catch up on what exactly? He didn’t make that part clear. It’s not as if we were ever that friendly. However, what was blatantly obvious was how he wanted our “catch up” to end, and that was in my bed.
After all this time, he told me, he was reaching out because he thinks someone like me being single is “going to waste.” Whatever that means. I figure he felt that he could step in and save me from what he considered to be a lonely, celibate existence with a bit of no-strings-attached action. A public service of sorts.
Uhm.
I ignored him, and he cottoned onto my lack of interest pretty fast. Since I’ve been unattached, he isn’t the first married man to approach me as if I were easy pickings. Frankly, it pisses me off to no end. I am barely single. I might add that this means I am still processing my newfound liberties and enjoying it, thankyouverymuch.
Not to mention facing a future that feels uncertain as I immerse into a new life. I have neither the time nor desire to deal with men who contact me with their dicks in hand, much less married men posing as “undercover agents” of the single scene.
No. Thanks.
Being a single woman seems like warfare.
It might have something to do with how we grow up with the narrative of marriage walking parallel to us. It’s in fairy tales, books, movies. It’s imbued in our familial expectations, with the idea much closer and imposed upon women than men. But any woman (or man) who has been brave enough to walk away from an unfulfilling marriage or long-term relationship knows that the transformative power of marriage is often a gross exaggeration.
Or absolutely untrue.
I’m not entirely sure what men, married or not, assume when they encounter a single woman, but since I’ve become single, I can tell you that I am already beginning to sense the shift in how people — both men and women — relate to me.
It feels as if folks believe that single women are up for anything or anyone. We’re quickly taken advantage of because we have no man around to “protect” us. That we’re lacking in life rather than unfurling our feminine wings, tasting freedom the way that we want it and lapping it up for all its worth, or my personal favorite — we are failures and must be flawed to have allowed a man to slip through our dainty lil’ hands.
Provided we settled down with a male in the first place.
Because our society still portrays a single woman much like a failure rather than an independent person. Our culture continues to make marriage and finding “Mr. Right” the ultimate purpose in a woman’s life while rejecting alternative choices as unwanted goals.
I mean, we’re still fooled by shows such as The Bachelor or Rom-Coms that end with a storybook wedding proposal, not because we as a society are so secure about the place of marriage in our lives, but because we’re insecure about the empowerment of single women in our communities.
Being a single woman seems like a threat.
She has to face and fight every question society throws at her daily, not about her dreams, goals, or career path, but why she’s alone. She is often seen desperately seeking by men and a potential man-stealer by women. Whereas, single men are seen as playing the field and having solid character. On the other hand, their married counterparts believe in the myth that every single woman is available and attracted to a man with a wife.
It’s just plain wrong.
We don’t want a married man. I don’t want a married man. I want a man free to love me the way I deserve to be loved. So, in single women’s interest, I’d like to clarify a few myths about our lives, needs, desires, and wants regarding married men.
#1. Single women are not desperate for male attention.
Much less married male attention.
We are particular about the men we spend our time with because most of us have shared much time with men and gotten to know exactly what we want and what we don’t want in a partner.
The truth is:
Most single women don’t like illusions — she can’t see them clearly.
Most single women are not into men who play games — she admires and values transparency and soul quality over indirect messages and unclear innuendo.
Most single women don’t want a distracted, immature, untrustworthy man. Instead, she responds to a man’s genuine commitment, conscious presence, and emotional maturity.
Most single women have the freedom to cultivate their self-respect and self-worth — not diminish it via a “desperately seeking” mentality to accept crumbs or mistreatment from a man or play second to another woman.
Without a man, most single women can very well live their best, most authentic, and most meaningful lives.
Understood?
Yes, being single allows a woman to hone in on her wants, needs, and desires to understand her worth and what she brings to the table. She’s got the time and the will to wait for someone worthy of compromise. Someone who knows how to connect deeply, soulfully, physically, spiritually, and understands what it means to treat a woman respectfully.
A lover who will take her for all she is and goes the distance to woo her through his attentiveness, consideration, and steady male thrust — because our lives are too rich to consider “settling” for anything less.
#2. Single women are not sex-starved nymphs.
Okay, we are likely to go through dry patches, but generally, if single women want sex, we can find it without betraying our sisters. Besides, you don’t have to be a statistician to know that married couples are the most likely to experience long-term sex droughts — chances are, we’ve lived through it, too.
We are also likely equipped with an impressive self-pleasure tool kit.
What? We don’t need a bloke to rapture our beans, baby.
This brings me to:
#3. Ladies, single women are not out to steal your man.
Honestly!
My single girlfriends have long complained about the death stares for simply talking to a man at a social or business event, often resulting in his partner asking to be introduced.
Give us single women some credit. You can have him.
The fact is that most single women are not out to steal someone else’s man (see #1. points above). And trust me, the last thing we need is a woman looking at us sideways, thinking we’re into her man. We are too grown for that kind of drama, and we’re well aware of the types of men who purposely put themselves in situations where they can infiltrate the single female scene while wearing their wedding bands to make us feel at ease.
It actually feels icky.
So, I want to remind ladies that, in general, single women often want nothing romantically to do with a married man — we are not the threat.
Suppose a married man is fishing for attention from other women. In that case, he always attends events minus his wife, his demeanor with other women noticeably out of line, glancing at her outfit just a second too long or underhanded flirting to get his ego kick. If he comes across as if he is an eligible bachelor in the crowd, he is the problem.
Not her.
Dear Married Men,
You are married and therefore cannot enjoy some of the same luxuries as single people — single women are not desperate for your attention, and we are certainly not lacking in anything other than a drop-kick partner.
So, keep your distance.
Thanks for your time — don’t forget to follow The Karma Vamp so that you never miss the latest!
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