Boys and their toys, huh? I had a rev-head boyfriend once. He used to sleep with an engine mounted in his room and take me to the Dragway out at Eastern Creek with a VIP pass so that we could get access to the Pits. That part was pretty cool. I enjoyed the rip-roaring energy and getting closer to the drag strip cars while my boyfriend deep-dived with the drivers and mechanics. When we weren’t at the Dragway, he’d spend most of his time fawning over his car; a 1977 Holden Torana SS hatch. He took much better care of that car than I and our relationship.
For instance:
He didn’t let the car fend for itself.
He always acted in the best interests of his car.
He appreciated the hell out of his vehicle, physically and emotionally.
He was present with his car.
He put real effort and energy into the upkeep of his car.
He spent hours lovingly polishing the body, rotating the tires, keeping the oil tank topped up, and learning about the engine. Then, finally, he locked the doors so no one could steal his metal baby.
In short, my ex took positive ownership of his car and therefore contained it, providing a safe place for it to exist, purr, blossom, and thrive. And guess what? Doing all of this made him feel good.
Men like to feel wanted, needed, purposeful, and valuable.
And he got that fix from a car because he put most of his energy into understanding and being present with the vehicle instead of me. Most modern men take better care of their cars than women.
It’s a sad reality.
But I guess cars do have some advantages over women.
Cars never ask men how many other cars they’ve driven or if they’ve been riding in another vehicle. And a car has never said that it wanted to go someplace that he didn’t want to go himself or wondered if he was coming back after he parked it.
Likewise, a car is always happy to see him no matter how long it’s been since the last time he drove it. It doesn’t complain about how he drives it or ask him for a new paint job, extra shiny rims, or top-of-the-range tires. And cars don’t have expectations or make demands on his time. This means that taking positive ownership or claiming a vehicle does not require a man to step into his energetic masculine role to tend to their emotional needs and be supportive of feminine feelings for the car to be pleased.
On the other hand, a woman requires a man to hold and contain her to feel good in a relationship. And by hold and contain, I certainly don’t mean that a woman is subject to controlling behavior, oppression, possessiveness, looked down on, or being limited by a man.
Quite the opposite.
Suppose a man adds any of these negative behaviors into a woman’s life. In that case, he’s not actually holding and providing containment for her because those things are not in her best interests. And therefore, he’s not in alignment with what it means to take positive ownership in a relationship.
Looking back, I never felt as understood, held, contained, and safe with my ex-boyfriend as his car. Instead, I was in a relationship fending for myself and starved of needs — unsafe, misunderstood, unseen, fearful, essentially feeling alone. The last thing a woman sharing her life with a man should feel is alone.
I know now, and without running up against deeply cherished beliefs around sex equality and power and freedom relative to women, if there’s one thing women need from men in a relationship, it’s to feel a sense of positive ownership from him.
Just like the car analogy above, we need to feel genuinely, positively owned, and fended for by our men. This means that a man actively, not passively, needs to create a safe space of well-being for women. It also means that he must take it upon himself to gain an understanding of women in general and, more specifically, his woman.
We’re not all the same, you know.
But it takes real effort and maturity to hold and provide positive containment for a woman. The following examples are just some of what it could look like when healthy masculine energy creates space in which a feminine can absolutely exist, purr, blossom, and thrive in a relationship.
He energetically protects her.
No matter how far away or where she is in the world.
He helps to nurture a deep body, mind, and spiritual connection with his woman, like a cosmic connection that keeps you tethered to each other in a way that defies gravity.
He takes responsibility for her well-being.
He creates secure, safe supporting conditions and a safe environment where she can grow and expand, rather than expecting or encouraging her to grow and develop by not having those safe and supportive surroundings. In other words, he is active relative to her well-being rather than passive.
This is also a positive way of claiming her.
He makes sure that she doesn’t have to fend for herself when he is not around to fend for her.
This may show up as:
He works at staying attuned to her emotional, physical, and mental states so that he knows what is right and not right to do relative to her.
He reassures her.
He understands her innate need to feel safe with him.
He is available and reachable to her.
He takes charge of a situation by taking the lead.
He does things to take the pressure off of her without being asked.
He is initiative relative to her.
He protects and defends her physically and emotionally.
He is physically with her or ensures she’s okay when she’s not with him.
He also—
Listens and effectively communicates with her.
Demonstrates his commitment to her.
Does things to cause her pleasure.
Provides containment for any children they might have together or she may have from another man.
May open doors for her.
Or picks her up in his car.
Or has her take his arm when walking down the street?
Resonates and operates from his (positive) masculine energy and power.
And most essentially,
He creates time to be present with her.
I’m talking about his honest, steady, fierce, and loving masculine presence.
You see, a man’s presence is deeply healing and nourishing for a woman — her heart, soul, and sexuality. And it’s the one most fundamental principle that women want — need — from a man to align with his frequency of love, positive ownership, and containment in the relationship. Because everything else he attempts to do or be when detached from his presence is worthless, as he has not brought himself with it.
Without his presence, he isn’t even there.
When he isn’t there, she cannot trust him.
His presence feeds her.
It sparks her up from the inside out.
It supports her safety, turns her on, and melts her — simultaneously.
But I don’t have to tell you.
The moment a man decides to really step into his masculine power, take positive ownership and provide containment for a woman, all of the things mentioned above (and more) come naturally as a result of that decision.
Because when men are healthy, it is natural — second nature — for the masculine to behave and respond to the feminine he loves in this way as it gives them a sense of value, purpose, and self-confidence to do so.
But unfortunately, society has created a legion of modern men who know how to take better care of their cars than their women. And then they wonder why women become rigid, defensive, resentful, and unresponsive to them.
Boys and their toys, huh?