Me? Very few men capture my attention these days. It’s not that I’m uninterested in romance and finding love again. I am. Someday. Preferably before I get to the part where my joints cramp up during sex or worse, the intensity of my orgasms begins to wane. That happens when you reach a respectable, elderly age, right?
Thinner vaginal walls. Less natural lubrication. Inferior orgasms.
Well, that can wait. I still have a “4” prefacing my timeline and happen to enjoy the way my body responds when sexually aroused. Between you and me, some nights, I yearn to feel a lover’s touch. To get close to someone. Claw at his hair and explore his intimate secrets. But that can wait, too, because I’m going to be choosy about who I will allow beyond these bedroom walls. I don’t see any other alternative if I want a quality mate in my life.
Yeah. I’m a 40-something-year-old woman and telling you that I refuse to waste precious time on the wrong man. I’m not desperate enough to settle. I want what I want. And no matter how intense the longing to be intimate with someone takes hold, it’s never going to be enough to accept a man into my life for the sake of not being alone.
I’d rather be alone than start accepting less, thinking my expectations are too high, or sticking around too long and putting up with crap I don’t need.
I’d rather be alone than have a man in my life who is obsessed with the young and beautiful, perving at every attractive woman within eyeshot, and believes deep down that a woman’s worth decreases as she ages and, therefore, she should take what she can get.
I can’t stand men who think this way.
Actually, this reminds me of something my 18-year-old daughter told me the other day. While out recently, she noticed a middle-aged man with a girl who appeared to be his 13-year-old (or thereabouts) daughter. Anyway, the guy captured my daughter’s attention because of the way he took the time to check out a passing teenage girl who couldn’t have been more than a year or two older than his kid.
Needless to say, my own kid was disgusted.
Unfortunately, it hasn’t taken long for her to work out how sleazy so many men can be. They’ve done that all their own. From the moment she leaves the house to each inappropriate instance witnessed on social media to mainstream media sexualizing women. It’s in her face 24/7.
So, I’d rather be alone than with a man interested in checking out teenagers or, indeed, who generally gets off on the sexualization of women.
And I’d rather be alone than wonder what he means, how he feels, give him yet another chance to cancel at the last minute, play mind games, stand me up, never call or email or text, or seem too busy or ignore me if I make contact.
I don’t want a man like that.
Most women don’t want men like that.
Period.
And I think it’s ignorant to believe that women in their 40s and beyond can’t afford to be choosy daters. In fact, this is precisely the time in our lives when we possess that same luxury, and I’ll tell you why — because we know better than when we had youth on our side, and that’s a whole new level of beauty.
Inner beauty. Soulful beauty. Heart beauty. Self-worth beauty.
We know our value.
We know, boy do we know about selfish men.
We know how to make good decisions by striking a balance between being picky versus being a pushover.
We know that every moment spent settling for the wrong man is like taking our heart, soul, and precious energy and flushing it down the toilet — this is true for anyone, regardless of age, sexual orientation, or gender.
But the years teach us that the wrong partner smothers our light, depletes our spirit, and saps our energy. Precious energy. And we’ve grown way beyond men who can’t get past themselves long enough to step up and truly experience a woman.
Authentically.
Naturally, I don’t presume to speak on behalf of all women my age. But generally speaking, life experience has gifted us the insight to raise the bar regarding men because we’ve known too many contemporary men who’ve become so “castrated” that they vibrate more like little boys than fully grown males.
And along the way, in her effort to be more open and give him a chance, too many women have accepted disrespect, unaccountability, and his utter lack of integrity.
He didn’t treat her as if she was unique to him in any way.
He didn’t show up for her with patience, announcing his uninhibited love and absolute acceptance.
He didn’t wake up to the profoundly destructive impact that he not showing up real and clear for her has in his life.
And most critically, he didn’t learn that the essence and frequency of his masculinity would bring him closer to his own divinity. It is his stillness within the storm, his knowingness, his deeper connection with his internal creative force, and his firm thrust in life while maintaining a soft heart.
He didn’t know himself nor his place alongside his woman,
Woman.
“I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story — I will.”
The stakes can feel high when dating in your 40s and beyond. We’ve tallied life experience, a bit of baggage, and often, kids. But I see that as an advantage, not a liability.
Because we’ve done our time and earned the right of passage to bring more honor and respect to ourselves and expect more from a lover — our rules, boundaries, and dating must-haves become a part of who we are and what we will and won’t accept in our lives.
Not to mention that those years have gifted us more than just a few wrinkles, stretch marks, and greys. Time has bestowed on us more confidence, strength, and freedom. One such freedom of being older is knowing what you want and being able to ask for it.
Ask for great love.
Ask for honesty and humility.
Ask for someone with heart.
Because you’re precisely the right age to find it.
And when you’re clear about who you are and what you want, like love, this knowledge naturally flows into your personal vibration and who and what you attract to yourself and captures your attention and energy.
We just don’t have to accept bad behavior from men.
Period.
As Amy Schumer says above, you will not determine my story — I will.
And we will.
So,
You should be Ms. Picky.
Just remember, when you own where you are in your life, who you are, and are confident in your values and personality, you are more likely to find someone who is better suited for you.
And if you find yourself wondering if your smile lines are stopping the right guy from showing up, please remember that you don’t need a middle-aged man still obsessed with youth and beauty. He hasn’t grown up and probably never will. Besides, if you were ten years younger, you wouldn’t be who you are right now.
And who you are is beautifully you, more than worthy of being a picky dater.
Like a man who has arrived at a mature place of being. Who comes to you with a deep understanding and access to his most authentic power and penetrates you with his divine masculinity — nourishing, protecting, and seeding an oasis of bliss within you.
I think the older we get, the more this rings true.